candy coated rose petals

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

2. Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s butt.”

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?   [ Read more ]

I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said . “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.”

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.”   [ Read more ]

1) “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” —Anonymous

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and”Keep away from children.” —Anonymous

3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” —Drew Carey   [ Read more ]

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Sleeping in twin-sized beds seems absurd in any occasion.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill, and you actually pay it too!
6. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
7. 8:00am is not early.
8. You have to file your own taxes.
9. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
10. You don’t get carded anymore.
11. You carry an umbrella.
12. You learn that “bachelor” is a nicer term for JACKA**.
13. “Extended childhood” only really pertained to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
14. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
15. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
16. You start watching the Weather Channel.
17. Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
18. You can no longer do shots and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
19. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
20. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
21. You go to parties that the police don’t raid.
22. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
23. You remember EVERYBODY’S name you’ve been with.
24. Your car insurance goes down.
25. You refer to college students as kids.
26. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, Everclear and rum.
27. The beer you DO drink doesn’t have to be what’s on sale.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
30. You’re on the computer more than you are on the telephone.
31. You no longer go out for something to eat in Pajama Pants and your sorority/fraternity/college sweatshirt.
32. “The Walk of Shame” is now that long walk from the boss’ office back to your cubicle.
33. You’re actually glad to hear to hear those two words you hated for 4 years – “LAST CALL!”
34. When you drink at a party, it is out of a glass and not out of a red plastic cup.
35. Everclear in Jell-O just doesn’t sound so appealing anymore.
36. When you attend a party, the main drink is not served out of a huge plastic garbage can.
37. You find that brief cases are more acceptable than the once staple backpack.
38. You have eliminated most alcoholic drinks out of your repertoire due to the fact that some bad experience was had on every one of them.
39. The only times you see your jeans and T-shirts is Friday thru Sunday.
40. The friends you’re making now just don’t seem to measure up…
41. You don’t go to the gym drunk anymore
42. You don’t go to the grocery store drunk anymore
43. You actually wouldn’t mind living with your parents again, but they don’t want you there.
44. People point at you when you go to a club.
45. You actually get up when your alarm goes off.
46. When you DO go out and drink, half of your sentences begin with: Back in college… ”
47. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
48. If you see the sunrise without sleeping, you cry.
49. It’s a struggle to stay awake past 10 P.M.